• Don’t drink water while studying… chemistry states that concentration decreases upon adding water.
  • A paramecium and an amoeba are walking down the street. The amoeba asks “So, lacking any pseudopodia, how do you manage to get around? The paramecium replies “A cilia question I’ve never heard!”
  • What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe?
  • Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards?
    They like to avoid the flush.
  • Why was the young amoeba so sad?
    His parents had just split.
  • As a musician, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my banjo and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

  • Why is pea soup better than mashed potatoes?
    Because anyone can mash potatoes.
  • Poop jokes aren’t my favorite, but they’re a solid #2.
  • There are two reasons not to drink toilet water.
    Number one and number two.
  • What types of flowers do bacteria like?
  • What is “HIJKLMNO”?
  • If H2O is water, what is H2O4?
    Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
  • Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?
    To get to the other slide.
  • What was the fish’s least favorite class?
  • Why did the paramecium cross the road?
    He was stuck to the chicken’s butt.

  • What do you call an amoeba that crosses the road, jumps in a mud puddle and crosses the road again?
    A dirty double-crosser.
  • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says DAM!
  • Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.”
    The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies “I’m positive.”
  • What did the male bacteria say to the female bacteria?
    Who needs biology when we have chemistry!
  • Why did the bacteria cross the road?
    To prove he wasn’t chicken.
  • What did one bacteria say to the other bacteria?
    Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • What do you call a sewer expert?
    A connoissewer.
  • What is the only thing worse than a mecium?
    A paramecium.
  • What is the definition of paramecium?
    Two Latin mice.
  • What did the one toilet say to the other toilet?
    You look flushed.
  • Why did the bacteria make fun of the protozoan?
    He brought toilet paper to the crap game.
  • What did the male bacteria say to the female bacteria?
    Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
  • Why do bacteria like nitrates so much?
    They’re cheaper than day rates.
  • Did you hear someone broke into the local police station and stole the toilet?
    Right now the cops have nothing to go on.
  • Why don’t bacteria gamble in Las Vegas?
    Because they believe a good flush always beats a full house.
  • If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
    H2O cubed.
  • What did one bacteria say to the other bacteria?
    The problem with your gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • Did you hear about Robin Hood’s house?
    It has a Little John.
  • What did one bacteria say to the other bacteria?
    Let’s make like an amoeba and split.
  • What is bacteria?
    The rear entrance to cafeterias.

  • What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an amoeba?
    An amoebit. It can multiply and divide at the same time.
  • Why did the amoeba cross the road?
    It was time to split.
  • Why did the bacteria fail the math test?
    He thought multiplication was the same as division.
  • Why did the bacteria cross the playground?
    To get to the other slide.
  • Our favorite bumper sticker:
    “Support bacteria; it is the only culture we have left.”
  • Why did the paramecium cross the road?
    To get to the diffuser bar in time for happy hour.
  • Where do bacteria go to resolve disputes?
    The settling chamber.
  • Where do protozoa go to practice long jumping?
    The hopper.
  • Where do bacteria go when they are confused?
    The clarifier.